i realised i have not been writing as much as i has in the past
which is ironic because i have been through so much since then
there should be a thousand words that should have been written
but none came through my mind
writing has always been a way of expression for me
to sit down for awhile and think about it
letting the emotions overwhelm me and then i string these words together
to put things in perspective...to put things in place
maybe i have been avoiding myself to feel
i busy myself with things so that i would'nt have to face it
supressing this sadness because i thought that if i expose it,
it will leave me in a vulnerable state
i wanted to avoid it because i don't want to face the truth because it hurts
sometimes when i'm crying i immediately compose myself together
because crying does'nt make sense
it makes u look as if you're insane
and it does not solve the problem
you lost control over yourself and totally lost it
maybe that is why i miss drama so much
because u don't put that wall that seperates you from your emotions
you feel and understand what the character is going through
and even though i am playing my role in the outside
inside i let my memories flood over me
a moment where i connect with my character and i can relate with her for awhile
and i feel ok because she is also going through the same thing
but now i realise i don't need my character in drama to
give me a reason to cry
to show these feelings in me and not let other people judge me for it
i shouldn't care what others will think of me
because auntie tijani said,
"when it is time to hurt, don't be afraid to hurt...for that is how we learn wisdom"
so now i learnt that i shouldn't keep things bottled up
i listen to a song that reminds me of a time where i was hurt then i feel sad
i am laughing with the people i love then i feel a moment of joy
i stop in the middle of the street to see the full moon i feel serenity
i walk alone with my thought jumbled up in my mind i feel confusion
to let the emotions enter
to be in touch with my senses
to just feel
